Today is 3 months since my Mom passed away and I am still crying all the time. I realized that I don’t know how to do this…how to live without my mother in my life. I never had to do it before and I have no experience with it. No one can teach you how to do this. Why? We all have to go through something like this in our lives, why don’t they teach us how grief works. I go from guilty feelings, (even though there is nothing for me to feel guilty about) to anger and to the greatest sadness I have ever felt in my life.

I know my husband (who has been my rock) is sick of my crying all the time, but he supports my feelings anyway. I have been depressed before in my lifetime, but this is the worst. I just want to put my arms around my Mom and tell her one more time, how much I love her and how much I enjoyed having her live with me and Tom. I miss our chats, and our giggles about silly things. I even miss our little arguments. They were few and far between thank God for that.

How does one get past the grief? All I want to do it sit in my chair and blindly watch TV or sleep off and on all day. There is no energy to do anything. I think about feeding the birds and then the thought of Mom and how she loved to watch them overwhelms me. We enjoyed sitting on the back porch in the mornings and watching them while we talked and drank our cup of coffee. I haven’t has a cup of coffee in the morning since she died. I don’t even want to fix it. There used to be a pigeon that would come everyday and sit on top of the phone pole while she watched him. He hasn't been here since she passed. Where did he go? Does he know she is gone? I wanted to see him and tell him she wouldn't be back. Is that silly?

I had the opportunity to spend today and tonight with my daughter Heather. I called her and told her not to come. I just didn’t feel like I would be good company.

Mother’s Day was hard, my first one without my mother. But we went to Heather and Allen’s house and spent it with them. They cooked for all the mothers in the family and it was nice. Heather and I then left and went to Wal-Mart and spent some quiet time together. I did enjoy that, so why did I not want her to come today? I don’t know. I just stay so weepy. I know my Mom wouldn’t want me to do that, but she never taught me how not to.

This coming Tuesday, I am going to a grief support group I have learned about. I hope it will help me. Maybe they can share their experience, strength and hope with me and help me get through this awful gut wrenching pain.