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Wednesday, September 19, 2007
"Cindy-ness"
I got the sweetest email from my neice last night and I wanted to share some of it with those of you who know me personally and those of you who have known me through this blog for a while.

This is a portion of the email: "I've been reading your blog and your tone almost sounds like the word "blog". You don't seem to have your "Cindy-ness". How are you?"

Her next sentence was referencing how much I must miss my Mom and how much she misses her (grandmother) too. She made me start thinking about all the whining I have been doing on this blog for quite a while now. Depression was kicking my butt. Yes, I miss my Mother terribly. She has been gone 7 months today. The time has really flown by but while it was moving, it felt like it was all in slow motion to me. 7 months.....that's a long time to live in slow motion.

I realized today, that I am feeling much better and though I miss Mom so very much, I no longer cry constantly, and I can go through a day without total heartbreak. I can talk about her now without falling apart. I went to the cemetery today and for the first time, it didn't rip my heart completely out of my chest to go there and sit by my parents' graves. My Dad is gone as well. He has been gone for 4 years now.

I have started laughing again and not feeling guilty about it. I am doing crafts again and not sleeping my life away. My energy level has increased. I had NO energy at all for the first 4 months after my Mom died. I felt like I could not live without her here with me. It was difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

Today I can get up and do things, work around the house, the pool, feed the birds, and take care of my personal business without it just being completely overwhelming. I have met new friends and spend time with them, as well as my old friends. I have joined the living again.

Thank you Allie for helping me to realize that. I AM BETTER. And I love you very much. You are truly a blessing to me. Please don't ever forget that.
 
posted by Cindy N. at 10:31 PM | Permalink |


4 comments:


  • At 3:30 PM, Blogger MarkD60

    My Dad died a little more than a year ago. I spent my life trying to get away from him, but now I miss him. He was just a kid like me who had a lot rougher life than I do.
    I think about my Grandparents too, I wonder who will be the last person alive on earth who remembers them?
    I think everyone wishes they could go back in time, knowing what they know now.

     

  • At 4:35 PM, Blogger celestemc

    Hi Cindy,
    I came across your site today in the most funny way. I was actually looking up "nutrea". I'm in Oregon, and that's the name I've learned the lil' river rats to be. A friend recently referred to them as "muskrats" - and I've come to the conclusion that both names are correct. Your blog was one of the first to show up under my "nutrea" search.

    But now I've just read your latest post and simply wanted to say "hello". My name is Celeste - and I too am plagued with grief. I lost my dad when I was 15 (suicide) and just 2 months ago I lost my 13 year old daughter to bone cancer.

    Everyone deals with grief in a variety of ways - personally, my fog is starting to lift and I'm able to function a bit more each day. But it is so tough, isn't it? Just know that you are not alone, and how sweet to recognize that you ARE BETTER - and at the same time, don't beat yourself up for how you've been.

    Anyway, that's all. Take care.
    ~Celeste

     

  • At 8:30 PM, Blogger Deirdre

    I don't have a lot of time right now but I wanted to thank you for the comment!

    I have to say that one of my happiest memories of that trip will be the time we sat on the beach chatting and making fun of the oblivious silly people who didn't know (or care) that we were watching them.

    :P

    I really enjoyed my trip. It's the most fun I can ever remember having in my life. I feel like we all got a lot closer. Thank you so much for including us in the invite. It's truly going to be the absolute happiest time of my life. I love you.

    (I'll be back soon to catch up on your blog.) :D

     

  • At 6:21 AM, Blogger Deirdre

    The thing I love most about my memories of Mere is that her voice was so distinctive that anytime I recall a memory of her, I can hear her saying my name.

    I love that.

    She was such a sweet lady. I miss her too.

     
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