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Wednesday, September 19, 2007
"Cindy-ness"
I got the sweetest email from my neice last night and I wanted to share some of it with those of you who know me personally and those of you who have known me through this blog for a while.

This is a portion of the email: "I've been reading your blog and your tone almost sounds like the word "blog". You don't seem to have your "Cindy-ness". How are you?"

Her next sentence was referencing how much I must miss my Mom and how much she misses her (grandmother) too. She made me start thinking about all the whining I have been doing on this blog for quite a while now. Depression was kicking my butt. Yes, I miss my Mother terribly. She has been gone 7 months today. The time has really flown by but while it was moving, it felt like it was all in slow motion to me. 7 months.....that's a long time to live in slow motion.

I realized today, that I am feeling much better and though I miss Mom so very much, I no longer cry constantly, and I can go through a day without total heartbreak. I can talk about her now without falling apart. I went to the cemetery today and for the first time, it didn't rip my heart completely out of my chest to go there and sit by my parents' graves. My Dad is gone as well. He has been gone for 4 years now.

I have started laughing again and not feeling guilty about it. I am doing crafts again and not sleeping my life away. My energy level has increased. I had NO energy at all for the first 4 months after my Mom died. I felt like I could not live without her here with me. It was difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

Today I can get up and do things, work around the house, the pool, feed the birds, and take care of my personal business without it just being completely overwhelming. I have met new friends and spend time with them, as well as my old friends. I have joined the living again.

Thank you Allie for helping me to realize that. I AM BETTER. And I love you very much. You are truly a blessing to me. Please don't ever forget that.
 
posted by Cindy N. at 10:31 PM | Permalink | 4 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Packing it up!

I am in the process of gathering and staging all the stuff to go with us to Destin. This is the first time that most of it is already packed up from two years ago. I just left most of it in the boxes when we came back after Hurricane Katrina when we ended up in Panama City Beach. Yay! Not much packing this time.


This should be us this time next week:
 
posted by Cindy N. at 10:58 PM | Permalink | 1 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Wow just 26 days to go!
When I looked at my ticker, I was surprised that I have just 3 weeks and a few days to go before I have my surgery! I get excited and scared all at the same time. It will be here before I know it.

Tomorrow is Ash's 29th birthday. I won't be able to share it with him, but at least I know he is doing something wonderful for himself and that he is safe. We had a little scare earlier this week when he was thinking of leaving Cenikor, but he IS still there and that is a miracle. I was so relieved to hear he had decided to stay. Thank God, because I have been praying for His support to keep Ash working his program.

We had dinner with friends tonight and we both really enjoyed the outting. These are new friends and the more I am around them, the more I enjoy their company and so does Tom. That is another Thank you to God, because He put this lady in my life when we needed each other's support. We have become good friends. I am so blessed to have so many good friends in my life.

Tomorrow I start packing for our trip to Destin. I will post some pics when we get back. I have a lot to do in the next 5 days to get everything ready. Plus I have to see two different doctors this week to get final ok's for surgery. So I may not post very much in the next week.

You all have a great week!
 
posted by Cindy N. at 11:34 PM | Permalink | 2 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here
Monday, September 10, 2007
On a good note!
I have realized that I have so many people in my life that love me and care about me. I got a call from two special people today. Sometimes I forget that there ARE people out there that are not mean and hateful and that will listen to me when I am in pain whether it be physical or emotional. Thank God for all of you out there that love me.

I went to the post office today to mail Ash his birthday package. He is still at Cenikor and doing very well. His 29th birthday is Sunday coming and I will miss being able to see him or call him, but at least he will know he is thought of and loved by receiving his package. Carla helped me with it to make sure he got the things he had requested. When living as a resident at Cenikor you can only receive to packages per year, one for your birthday and one for Christmas.

He seems to be really trying this time and I am praying that a power greater than he will bring him through this time. For those of you that don't know about Cenikor, it is a behavior modification program for people who have all sorts of problems, from drugs and alcohol to anger management, etc. One must request permission to enter the program and be accepted by a panel of peers. I am happy for him that he made the move. Over the door, it says "A Place for Change." I pointed that out to him and told him if he wasn't ready for change, don't walk through the doors. He proudly went in anyway. If he completes the program, he will be there for a minimum of 18 months. He can leave anytime he chooses; it's not a lock down.

I guess that's all for now. Have a great day.
 
posted by Cindy N. at 11:41 PM | Permalink | 0 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Feeling better today...
Yesterday when I wrote my blog I was in such a rage! I am feeling better today, still very hurt, but not angry. What I have decided tho, is not to make any more attempts to contact my sister. When she gets over herself, she can contact me.

Since we have different Mothers, we were never really a part of each other's lives until we were both adults....about 9 years ago actually. We actually spent time alone together for the first time ever in our lives. That is when our relationship began to grow and we got closer over the years. Well, it's over now. I lived 46 years without her in my life and I can live the rest without her in it. No one is going to treat me like that and have me lay down and let them walk on me.

On to other things.....today was quiet. Kirk and Deirdre came over and Tom and Kirk worked on their 4-wheeler trails in the woods in the back of our property. Deirdre and I watched part of a movie and we ended up miss the end of it because we went to pick up poboys for lunch. I think the name of it was 'Living with the enemy' not 'sleeping with the enemy'. So if anyone knows how it ended, let me know and I can share it with Deirdre.

Only a month and a day from surgery now. I am getting nervous about it; not the surgery itself, but the aftermath and what will happen to my body and if I will be able to handle the things I will have to do as far as what I will be able to eat/drink.

Since I retired.....no, since my Mom passed away, my life seems so boring. Like I have nothing to share on this blog.

It's late and I'm going to bed. Good night.
 
posted by Cindy N. at 11:58 PM | Permalink | 1 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Forgiveness....
There have only been two people in my life that I could not forgive. One is an ex boss and the other is my natural father. Forgiveness is something I feel is important in my life and the lives of those I love. Life is too short to go through it holding grudges and anger. I have always said "What goes around comes around".

I don't even know where I am going with this, but I am feeling a smoldering anger right now at someone I love dearly. I am tired of being hurt by that person. I am referring to my 'loving' sister. For those of you that keep up with my blog, you know that I had an argument with her recently (about 2 months ago) and have tried every way I know to apologize for my part in it. There ARE two parts you know. I does take two.

I emailed her (because she won't answer my calls) the other day to tell her about my upcoming surgery and to tell her that we are still going to Destin at the end of this month and I would love it if she and her husband would come down to the condo and spend some relaxing time on the beach with me and Tom. Four days later I get this back from her:

"Hi
I hope and pray your surgery is a success and you come thru surgery with flying colors.
We won't be coming to destin in October (we aren't going in October either, we are going in September as I stated in my original email) so don't look for us please plan other things for your selfs hope you have a good time."

My response to her was this:
"I am sure we will have a great time as we always do. We have lots of things planned to do. Just thought you and Mike might want to join us for a day or so. Sorry you won't be there."

I decided that since she had responded to my email that maybe I could call her. So I did. She actually answered the phone. I asked her if she was still mad at me and she stated that she wasn't "over it" yet. I told her again, that I was sorry for anything I might have done, but that I would like to ask her what the problem is from her side. She said, "well, for one thing, you slammed my bedroom door". Slammed her bedroom door? Are you kidding me? She is holding this grudge because of a slammed door that I don't even remember slamming? This sounds like something that should be on Dr. Phil, or maybe even better, Jerry Springer.

And so it went from there. She ended up hanging up on me and that is one thing that REALLY PISSES ME OFF! DON'T HANG UP IN MY FACE, EVER! That is so childish! We are adults and we should be able to act like adults. Well, I have decided that I am over with that part of my life. I don't talk to my natural father, who is also her father, and I don't need to talk to her either. (we had different mothers) I haven't seen or spoken to my father in about 8 years (wiht the exception of attending my grandmother's funeral where neither he nor I spoke to each other) and I can do the same with my sister. I do have another half-sister, by the way.

Thank GOD, I was raised by my mother and my stepfather (my daddy). I feel so fortunate that the SOB who fathered me didn't raise me or I would probably be just like my sister. An angry unforgiving person that loves being miserable, one who apparently feels superior to others.

As I said earlier, I don't know where I am going with this, but I guess I just needed to vent. I want to write her another email and tell her how stupid and childish she is being. In fact I did write that email, but saved it as a draft. I will think about it for a day or two before I send it, IF I send it.

That's it. Venting over.
 
posted by Cindy N. at 11:24 PM | Permalink | 0 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here
Monday, September 03, 2007
Happy Blogging birthday to me!
I just realized I have actually stuck with this thing for 2 years now. WOW! When I first started, I would never have thought I would have enough to say to keep this up for 2 years. So much has happened in two years. When I think about it all, it's overwhelming. There have been losses galore, both friends and relatives, hurricane damage, then house damage from a ceiling water pipe...retirement. That was about the only good thing during the last year and a half. But all of you who know me have kept up with all that and there is no sense in rehashing it all.

That reminds me. I need to redo my tickler since it's been more than a year since retirement. I think I will do a weight loss tickler now. That sounds like a plan. That will give me something to play with for a little while.

We were supposed to go to a get-together this afternoon with the others from my grief support group, but I didn't feel quite up to par, so we stayed home. I wanted to go in one way, but in another, I just didn't want to be in a large group of people. Is that a phobia? Hmmmmm......
Maybe I need to think about that for a while.

I hope Markd60 is ok down in the Caymans. I think he is pretty far north so probably won't get too much wind from ole Felix.

So I am going to play with my tickler. Talk to you guys later.
 
posted by Cindy N. at 10:31 PM | Permalink | 1 If you would like to say something about what you just read, please say it here